Three years of birthdays in one.

This past Saturday was our darling Lairahs 3rd birthday. The past two years this day has been a day of grieving for me. I would lock myself in my room and cry all day. But this year i had an odd motivation to do something worthwhile. Maybe it was the need to stay so busy that i didnt think about being sad or maybe my grief really has evolved to a point where i now feel that this is why Lairah was put on this earth... to help me make a difference. But all that being said this is the first time since her birth...death..? that we have really celebrated her. The original plan was for everyone to volunteer at a food pantry but that fell through so i called around to a bunch of other locations and all of those didnt pan out very well either. So i ended up last minute throwing together a plan to plant three fruit trees in honor of the 3rd anniversary of her birth into heaven. So there i was about 20min before everyone was to show up at my house picking out fruit trees with my twelve year old sister. She and i had to go alone in my father in-laws truck (quite comical im sure to the men that helped us) we loaded the trees and mulch and compost into the truck and i drove oh so cautiously to my house where several people were waiting on me. The trees were unloaded quickly as there were many helpful men there who were willing to help. My father in-law mowed and cleared a spot behind our back fence where we could plant and enjoy the trees. I am thankful that we were able to get them all planted and then have a great lunch. We also had a balloon release which i thought was a really cool idea that one of our good friends came up with.

so here is one of the three trees that we planted that day.they are "trees of life" for our little angel baby. I can not wait to see them grow and thrive! I have an odd since of peace when i go out to water these trees now. Like when im out there all the pain turns into happiness i dont know what it is about them ... i guess i dont need to know really its just nice.

Inspired

So I just wanted to take a second to thank someone for inspiring me to get my poetry out into the open. I guess it's never good to hide feelings of sorrow especially for me since I have battled severe depression in the past. Those of you that know me know me well and realize that our lairah bugs birthday is coming up. It's crazy for me to think that she would be three this year! THREE YEARS it seems like it has been only minutes since I got the news that our little angel had flown into the heavens. The pain feels just as agonizing as it did the day I sat alone in the doctors office trying to hold all signs of emotion in until I could reach my car.. I have been told many times that the fact that I never show my emotions can be a turn off to people. Truth is I was suffering deeply for a very long time, I hid it, very well I might add. So well that I don't know if any one really knows the severity of my depression. Ok sorry rambling over and now back to the whole point of this post My good friend c has recently shared a lot of lyrics he wrote with me and that got me thinking ...it's not about weather or not people think your words are good or weather they like or even want to hear what oh have to say.. It's about getting your feelings out there. Maybe someone somewhere has or is feeling the same way. It's about letting people know they aren't alone, that there is hope; In the lord, in friendship, in life. So that being said, look forward to reading some lm poetry I have binders and binders of things I have vented only to pend and paper up until now, and finally with a little encouragement and a slight kick in the rear I'm finally brave enough to share it with you...whoever you are. Lamentations 3:1-25 Please excuse any typos this is my first blog via iPad. <3 Jesus and I love you Lm