First poem I have ever willingly let people read

*all works are lm original. PLEASE DO NOT STEAL MY WORDS!!

Little dingy things in the cememetry Reign.
Vying for my pain.
Make me go insane.

My whole life folding
Moving, bleeding.
Burning breaking.
Whole being shaking.

Clank and clatter
Thoughts are scattered.

All alone in this place.
Endless winding chase.

Flames engulf the last of me
So hear my screeching
Dying plea

There is no relief so just try and grieve
It won't get better never never
The anguish evolves but never dissolves.

Note: I will be sending this out for publication this week to a couple of different places. :)
Please let me know your thoughts
Thanks
Lm

Please excuse any misspellings/typos ect ect...

♫ And then I don't feel sooo bad ♫

About a year ago our ladies group at church did a "things you like" survey. I was looking at the things I put and noticed that almost everything from shoe size to favorite dessert has changed for me. SO! i thought it might be a good idea to update my friends and family. Due to my impending 22nd natal anniversary it might come in handy for some of you.

Colors: i dont like this question a better question would be....what colors do i not like and the answer would be orange.

Flowers: juliet garden rose, peonies, daisies.

Scent/ Fragrance: i love bed bath and beyonds aroma therapy orange ginger. i have the body wash body scrub and lotion :) i also like victoria secrets pink body wash and lotion. im not a big perfume wearer but when i do i wear Dior:Addict (the pink one not the blue one)

Magazines or books: im a poetry fan.. always have been. i like edgar allan poe (i even concidered naming my kid after him), i like bronte (emily and charlotte), shakespeare, hawthorne... classic old english type stuff. i like food network magazine and martha stewart.

Foods: Mexican, indian, sushi....I LOOOOVE FOOD and i like to try new things

Drinks: boba slushies. starbucks java chip frap. or if its cold out (or im just in the mood for something warm) carmal macchiato. or during the holidays peppermint hot cocoa. and hot tea in the winter

Desserts or types of cake: vanilla cake with vanilla icing. i also enjoy warm brownies (without nuts) and ice cream. sopapillas. cobbler but NOT PEACH or cherry.

Places to eat out: Taste of india, taste of asia, almost any mexican place.

Music types or Singers or bands: i listen to 40s big band music around the house. but in the car i listen to christian radio (or childrens songs.)

Places to shop: im not a big shopper but i like to shop online alot...i guess if i had to go to a store id go to ross or kohls.

Accessories: SHOES (something that i dont think will ever change)

Shoe size: 6.5

Hobbies/Interests/Likes/other: i collect buttons i dont know why but i have always just loved them. im a sucker for abstract art. my favorite movie is Nightmare Before Christmas i have other favorites too but that one is my ALL TIME FAVORITE id watch it any day any time! i write poetry but i think most of it is to depressing to share... i have two wonderful babies and one extra special guardian angel. My favorite season is fall and my favorite holiday is halloween though thanks giving is a close second. i dont like surprises. i dont drink alcohol very often but when i do i like sangria swirl margaritas, sex on the beach, and anything fruity.

my birthday is May 30th
though i dont tend to go shouting that around most of the time this year im excited about it ...maybe its because this year i wont celebrate it pregnant and going to bed at 9pm.
so heres to hoping something interesting happens this year.
:)

Daydream Believer

Alot of people say that just because a girl has kids young she never has a chance to fulfill her own dreams... i REFUSE to become that girl. Just because i made some decisions differently than most doesnt mean that i dont deserve to have a happy life with all my dream realized too. I fee like i heave it even better because i get to take my kids on that journey WITH me. HOW COOL IS THAT??!!?!? Ill admit its taking alot longer to do some of the things i have always wanted to do but im working (almost) every day to get there. That being said i wanted to share with everyone my dream list. most of these things are things i have always wanted to do and some have been added since i have had the kids. in no particular order.

see my kids face the first time they meet mickey mouse in person (and understand who he is)

visit europe

graduate college

complete a half marathon (running or walking)

play at least one classical piano piece

have something ANYTHING i have writen published. there are of course more but these are just the ones i had time to add right now. I hope you will all ask me how these things are coming... sometimes it helps to have a little push from friends. and as always please excuse any typos..bad grammar ect. ect.

Three years of birthdays in one.

This past Saturday was our darling Lairahs 3rd birthday. The past two years this day has been a day of grieving for me. I would lock myself in my room and cry all day. But this year i had an odd motivation to do something worthwhile. Maybe it was the need to stay so busy that i didnt think about being sad or maybe my grief really has evolved to a point where i now feel that this is why Lairah was put on this earth... to help me make a difference. But all that being said this is the first time since her birth...death..? that we have really celebrated her. The original plan was for everyone to volunteer at a food pantry but that fell through so i called around to a bunch of other locations and all of those didnt pan out very well either. So i ended up last minute throwing together a plan to plant three fruit trees in honor of the 3rd anniversary of her birth into heaven. So there i was about 20min before everyone was to show up at my house picking out fruit trees with my twelve year old sister. She and i had to go alone in my father in-laws truck (quite comical im sure to the men that helped us) we loaded the trees and mulch and compost into the truck and i drove oh so cautiously to my house where several people were waiting on me. The trees were unloaded quickly as there were many helpful men there who were willing to help. My father in-law mowed and cleared a spot behind our back fence where we could plant and enjoy the trees. I am thankful that we were able to get them all planted and then have a great lunch. We also had a balloon release which i thought was a really cool idea that one of our good friends came up with.

so here is one of the three trees that we planted that day.they are "trees of life" for our little angel baby. I can not wait to see them grow and thrive! I have an odd since of peace when i go out to water these trees now. Like when im out there all the pain turns into happiness i dont know what it is about them ... i guess i dont need to know really its just nice.

Inspired

So I just wanted to take a second to thank someone for inspiring me to get my poetry out into the open. I guess it's never good to hide feelings of sorrow especially for me since I have battled severe depression in the past. Those of you that know me know me well and realize that our lairah bugs birthday is coming up. It's crazy for me to think that she would be three this year! THREE YEARS it seems like it has been only minutes since I got the news that our little angel had flown into the heavens. The pain feels just as agonizing as it did the day I sat alone in the doctors office trying to hold all signs of emotion in until I could reach my car.. I have been told many times that the fact that I never show my emotions can be a turn off to people. Truth is I was suffering deeply for a very long time, I hid it, very well I might add. So well that I don't know if any one really knows the severity of my depression. Ok sorry rambling over and now back to the whole point of this post My good friend c has recently shared a lot of lyrics he wrote with me and that got me thinking ...it's not about weather or not people think your words are good or weather they like or even want to hear what oh have to say.. It's about getting your feelings out there. Maybe someone somewhere has or is feeling the same way. It's about letting people know they aren't alone, that there is hope; In the lord, in friendship, in life. So that being said, look forward to reading some lm poetry I have binders and binders of things I have vented only to pend and paper up until now, and finally with a little encouragement and a slight kick in the rear I'm finally brave enough to share it with you...whoever you are. Lamentations 3:1-25 Please excuse any typos this is my first blog via iPad. <3 Jesus and I love you Lm

its been a while...

Just a little update for all of you!!

Romeo just celebrated his very first birthday :).

We are expecting a baby girl (Zayden Starr) in July. And are planning an all natural birth at a birthing center about 30min from home. I cant wait untill she gets here!!!!!!!

Jon is still working at the animal hospital and loving his job!

We are still on the hunt for a house and we think we may have found the one we just have to wait and see if everything goes through or not.

School has been rather easy this semester THANK GOD and i am content with taking my 5 classes and being done in March.

things

This time last year i was preparing for a daughter and now i have a son. Though my life didnt take the corse i wanted or even liked i have come to peace with all that has happened. Now dont get me wrong im not saying that the fellings of sadness and pain are gone or even that its ok but i have come to realize in the past two years that noting is ever in my control, every thing and every one in my life belongs to God and he can do with everything as he sees fit. No i wont always know why or when things will happen but i know now that i have to let go and let him be in control, every thing in his time not mine. I have been know to be a scheduler, everything down to the minute! lately i have been struggling to get Romeo on a schedule and as you might imagine with a newborn it is very difficult to have him awake when he is supposed to be so that he can sleep through the night. In the past two days i think we have finally gotten it down, i actually got 5hrs of sleep last night and to me that feels like sleeping through the night seeing as how my husband and i both have been delerious lately due to lack of sleep. im hoping that things will even out soon.
i have been breast feeding my son for the past 6 weeks and just recently had to start supplementing with formula. Im trying really hard not to feel discouraged about that fact, im taking some herbs that a good friend suggested but i havent seen an increase in milk or its consistancy...i know that my body is trying to be done but im fighting it as hard as i can. i know its best for my baby and not to mention cheaper!! im just hoping that i can keep going.
and the baby cries.. i guess thats it for today